I've been going through a big life thing recently, and I've really been feeling the benefits of romanticizing my life.
I went through a lot in the past few years. It's a long story, but I moved cross-country and felt like my old self got stuck. I set foot in my new place missing any sense of who I was or what I wanted. It took a long time for me to get myself back. I was also in a long term relationship through that. Things were really really really hard (like almost fatally hard). Now that is over and I feel like I can speak for myself for the first time in years.
I've been getting back into some casual encounters with people and honestly it's been mostly great! Feeling like I not only exist for other people, but that I get to see an intimate, private sliver of who they are. I know there's a whole stigma around hookups that they're shallow interactions, but y'all must just not doing it right. There's something so much more genuine about what people reveal to you in those situations, especially in a gay, small town situation like mine.
There's something so romantic (in the traditional sense) about connecting with people on that level. It definitnely isn't enough for that to be my only interactions with people, but as someone who spent so long feeling like I could do nothing right, it feels really nice. For a long time, I felt like my senses were attacking me. I was so anxious all the time, even on meds, and I really felt like I did not have any say in how my life went. I felt one one hand totally out of control of how things were going, and on the other totally on the hook for how they turned out. Lots of responsibility without the agency to see things through.
Now, I feel a lot freer. Weirdly so, given the political context I'm writing this in.
I'm re-discovering my sensual self. Not just in a horny way, but I'm like actually enjoying cooking, burning incense, doing spiritual shit, and listening to music. For a while, music felt like a tool for focus. I'd listen to quiet the loud parts of my mind so the others could get some shit done. When I was cooking or anything, I was always listening to podcasts. What an endless stream of racket. I do not need that much information in a day. I'm tired of content. Gimme some pure vibes I can make pasta to and I'm healed.
I got really into FKA Twigs' new album (a lot of music about the romance of the club, of sharing deeply intimate versions of our selves with people), and Molina (I think she's from Spain or something, idk her music is wonderfully off-kilter though). Now I'm leaning a little more into Bjork. I have no idea what half of Molina's lyrics are, but Twigs and Bjork are so good at capturing a feeling.
I have more thoughts on intimacy I might make a whole thing on, but I think the internet has made it so that whatever you're feeling, someone is putting it into words for everyone to read online right this second. Your philosophy, what you're interested in; those can all be essentially beamed directly into someone's brain around the world. And there are so many fake takes, fake recommendations out there. Being into niche things is no longer a nerdy shame, now it's cool, it gets social capital.
What you can't get through a screen is the feeling of running your hand across someone's jaw, the feeling of their stubble scratching your palm. The feeling of them looking into your eyes with their hadn on the back of your neck. Especially in a gay, rural situation, people expose a secret part of themselves when you meet up like this. It's not the perfectly curated image they show the world online, it's a secret self they don't get to be outside if their own heads.
Anyway, we're creatures who experience the world through meaning and assocations. I wanna take advantage of that, infuse a little meaning back into my life after so long just riding the wave.